This too shall pass....

It's beginning to look a lot like.....a prozac commercial.

2009-12-13T22:51:00.009-07:00

I had this hair-brained idea this year to use the family advent calendar for December as an Activity! Calendar! instead of the usual pick a treat out of the pocket and then fight about it amongst yourselves thus causing the "Spirit of the Christmas Season" to fly out of the windows along with the super expensive (yet worth it) furnace heat.

And THAT was the longest run-on sentence ever.

Back to the plethora of family activities.
We have stuffed the pockets of the calendar with everything from "Make Cookies together"(big mess in the kitchen, one wooden spoon caught fire) to "Go to Temple Square to see the lights.(beautiful but freezing cold)

And we are still going at it.

This past week, for instance, we drove to "See Christmas lights in our Pajamas".
Thanksgiving Point, not far from our house has a pretty good drive through light display. Not having to walk around in frigid temperatures is a huge bonus to me.
We had the van doors open, the Christmas tunes cranked, the windows rolled down, and we were all wrapped up in blankets.
Oh, and the heater on full bore.
We are doing our part for that global warming thing.
At the end of the light display, they had real reindeer to see.
Not drive through reindeer.
You had to actually get out.
The kids all wanted to go pet their frozen carcasses.
Sam had to take them, because, well...these are my pajamas:

I didn't really want to walk around.
Not because I didn't look smoking hot in them,(cause I am pretty sure that I did) but because I might get the feet wet, and really, what good are footed PJ's if the feet get wet?
Here is the picture he got with the kids and the reindeer:

Go ahead and click on that bad boy to make it bigger.
The quality is awesome!

Beggars can't be choosers.
And footie-wearers can't be photographers.

So this is the reason I haven't been around the Internets much.

Been having too farking much fun hangin' with the fam.(Some sarcasm may apply.)
Christmas shopping.
Baking stuff up for parties.
Shoveling snow.
Killing at Pictionary!
Mopping up after soggy snow boots.
and finding lost gloves.
Along with my regular chores of:
Cooking
Cleaning
Laundry
and generally being the token trophy wife.

I think this picture sums it up:

So if I am not back here again before the big day-

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Be very jealous.

2009-11-21T13:00:00.003-07:00

Last Sunday night I started getting sick.

Come to find out, I was lucky enough to land myself a portion of the good old H1N1 that is making the rounds.
I have been completely wiped out for a week.

I missed two weddings.
A field trip.
The gym.

But I have been "Keeping up with the Kardashians."

My house has fallen apart.
Finally, on Thursday since I was out of PJ pants with which to lounge in, and my ten year old son opted to wear his sisters stretchy pants to school out of necessity, laundry duty was imminent.

And this is what met me, by smell from the kitchen, and by sight from the bottom of the stairs:

And I now know why they call it the "Swine Flu."

Cause when mama gets it, no one picks up the slack, and the whole house turns into a pig-sty.

Don't even get me started on the kitchen...

Oh....Hello!

2009-11-12T14:06:00.002-07:00

It has been so long since I blogged that I forgot my password to get into Blogger.
I had to do the password recovery thingie.
But here I am!

I just wanted to pop in and post a quickie to show all five of you that I am still alive.

Ten Things I Suck AT:
1- Consistent Blogging. You can't argue with that one.

2- Consistent anything...Sometimes there is dinner, other times you are fending for yourself here.

3- Clothing repairs. I have a laundry basket full of shirts that need buttons sewn back on, or jackets that need a small tear sewn up. I don't think the original owners of said clothing even fit those particular items any longer. Let's not even talk about the time I STAPLED on the Scout shirt patches. And I was the Cub Master at the time.

4- Sleep schedules. If I have a good book, I am reading til 3:00am. If not, I might zonk out during the 10:00 news.

5- Removing unwanted hair. My eyebrows look like Sasquatch. Always. And in the winter, my razor gets a break. Tights come in handy for church. And long boots.

6- Resisting Junk. And to CLEARLY specify...by "junk" I mean "junk food"--not the more popular reference to male genitalia. Which, for the record, I have a long-standing reputation of resistance.
JUNK food. If there is an open box, bag or package of cookies, chips, or candy, it will soon be an empty bag. Willpower. Wish I had some.

7- Sudoku. There are just too many NUMBERS.

8- Praying in public. Like for Sunday School opening prayer, or a family dinner. I always pray myself into a corner. "We are grateful for the beautiful weather...and for weather that is....um, uhhhh...(crickets)...pleasing unto thee??!!
(Fail.)

9- Finding an address. Unless the address can be found using landmarks, like "the pink house right behind Target." Truthfully, I am not even sure of where my Norths and Wests are at any given time. Pizza delivery will never be in my future.

Well folks, I am just getting warmed up here, but this is a list of only ten, which brings me to number ten. This is a recently acquired "sucking" and will probably warrant it's own blog post:

10- Zumba.

This is why women burn candles.

2009-10-25T20:55:00.005-07:00

The past week I have had a mystery smell in my house.
A bad mystery smell.

It seemed to be stronger in the kitchen area.
I was hoping for a rotten potato.
That is the quickest fix to the "What the (gag) heck is that (gag) smell?!"
Not a potato.
Still really rank in the kitchen.

This led me down my well-worn trail of mental darkness...
What if it was a dead customer??!!

Let me backtrack for those of you new to the blog.

Me=Deathly afraid of rodents.

My husband and my sons try to keep me out of the loop when it comes down to the mouse population in the house.
When they set traps now, they talk in code.
"Hey, did you check the *mailbox* for *customers*?
(wink, wink)
I know deep down what they are referring to, but I choose to take the conversation at face value.

Lalalalala...fluffy white clouds in my world....

So back to my mystery smell.
I was almost thinking it was a customer somewhere, rotting away, and was slightly afraid to find it, and yet really, really anxious to GET RID OF THE PUTRID SMELL emulating from the center of the house.

I mean, what if someone dropped in?

What would they think?
Admit it.
We all know someone that has a weird smelling house.
And it leaves you to wonder if they can't smell it?
How can they stand it?
Is it Pets? Garlic? Socks?
What?
And really, it is asking a lot out of that tiny bowl of decorative potpourri...

What if someone thought my house smelled like this all the time?

I did what any self-respecting homemaker would do in such a grim state of smell-searching panic.

I lit a scented candle.

I was reminded of the Week of the Bad Mystery Smell by my husband.

It was when the twins were potty training.
The house perpetually smelled like a stinky diaper.

I swear, I was anal about taking those things out to the trash, and yet the smell still seemed to linger.

It was a few days later when we discovered one of the twins had done their business, taken the offending diaper off, and promptly stuffed the package down the heater vent.

The combined force of the air, and the heat redistributed that lovely aroma allllll over the house.

For a week.

No candle can compete with that.

I knew we were past the diaper days.
Still this horrid smell remained.

It doesn't help that I have an acute sense of smell.
This was the only skill I retained from all of my pregnancies.
Gone is the voluptuous chest!
Gone is the aversion to carbs!
But my sniffer!
Yep. Still highly sensitive.

I can smell a fart behind a closed door and down two flights of stairs.
Once I was in the kitchen, and could smell the "fruits" from one of the boys from the family room.
"Who WAS IT!!!!" I snarled.
"No way!" the offender replied in awe and disbelief.
And I swear, bet money was exchanged between the boy and his dad.
Yep.
I have skeelz.

This smell.
It was making me crazy!

Finally, I found it.

A package of frozen vegetables that got put away in the pantry instead of the freezer. Yesssss!

I was one happy...um, customer.

Down for the Count

2009-10-18T10:24:00.006-07:00

It started with Brendan.
He went on a scout camp-out and was up the next night puking.
I slept through it all.

Hooray for having kids that can hit the toilet on their own!
I figured that he just ate a lot of junk on the camp-out.

Then the next day was fast Sunday.
We all fasted, and Jayden excused himself from the dinner table to go retch.
Again, I figured he was just overly hungry from fasting.

The next day, Shianne started ralphing.

It was only then that I figured it out.
"Hey, we have the flu, here."

I got it yesterday.
It was rotten.
I finally needed to eat something, and the only thing that sounded good was a banana shake.
I hate bananas.
Maybe I just needed the potassium?
It tasted pretty dang good.

And today, Jayden is fevered up again.

I want to clear the house out, and have it quarantined.
Lysol everything.
Sigh.

I guess it is going around.
Several schools in Utah have completely closed.

Other news:

Shayne came home last week and informed me that he wanted to work on a project for the reflections contest.
He wanted to enter in the Photography category.
He asked to borrow my point and shoot camera.
The theme for this years' reflections contest is "Beauty is..."
I forgot about him for a while, and he came back into the house, partly frozen, holding the camera.
"I think I got some good ones." he said, "Can we go look?"

So we go upstairs to upload the photos he took.
I was curious, because it was pitch-black outside, and I had no idea where he was going with this.
Here is what he got:

I was floored!
He took the pictures through his telescope!
And I was even more floored to learn he shot them on manual.
I DON'T EVEN SHOOT ON MANUAL.
He said, "I just kept trying all the buttons, and the one that worked the best was the "M" button, on 4.5 and 1/1000."

Huh.

He picked his favorite pictures and mounted them on black poster board and put:
"Beauty is...something you can't touch, only see."

I am not sure how two morons like Sam and I have managed to raise this kid.

Random Ponderings

2009-10-12T11:27:00.003-07:00

1- Why does gravy never re-heat in the microwave?
2- Why do gray hairs always stand straight up on your head like little bug antennas?
3- Why can I never find any of the 151 pairs of nail clippers in this house when I need them?
4- Why are nail clippers referred to as a "pair" of nail clippers?
5- Why do none of the pens in this house work? I have to resort to jotting down important information in crayons. It makes me feel super professional.
6- Why is it that anything with scrambled eggs on it (plate, cup, pan) never come clean in my dishwasher? Eggs? What the crap?
7- How is it that extra-super super glue has a questionable bond, yet cocoa pebbles can form a permanent molecular attachment to the grout in my floor tile?
8- How does my kitchen faucet get so gunky? What is that gunk? (probably salmonella)
9- Why can't I get off my butt and get my house clean? :)

Silence.

2009-10-09T18:26:00.005-07:00

For the past couple of days I have had no voice.
I am not sick. (Unless someone wants to bring me sympathy dinner. Or cookies.)
I have no other symptoms of being sick.
Just no voice.

I honestly think that this is something my children have been praying for, and clear evidence that they have more clout than I with The Big Guy upstairs.

You see...I can't holler at them for anything.
I have to try to get their attention by snapping my fingers.
I am not a good snapper.
I have never been able to whistle either.
I have resorted to flapping my arms in front of them as they watch TV.
Sadly, I barely register a response.
They are used to the crazy, and think that the flapping is a new stage in that rodeo.

I could call them, I suppose, using my cell phone to call the home phone, but
A- they would never answer it, and
B- if they did answer (by some small miracle), they would be met with silence on the other end of the line--from their mute mother.

They seem to find the dinner table okay when the food is ready, without me calling for them.

I am worried that I won't get my voice back.
Sam said it is that time of year...
The time of year when he has maybe or maybe not seen mice in the general vicinity.
He has to tread very carefully around this subject, since I am not hormonally stable enough to survive a possible rodent sighting.
And imagine!
Imagine if I saw one...
and I
Couldn't.
Even.
SCREAM??

Let's change the subject, shall we?

2009-09-29T10:05:00.017-07:00

I am trying to count my blessings today.
I am still feeling sorry for myself.
Wallowing in it, actually.
Truth be told, it is just a dang good excuse to wear pajama pants and watch junky TV shows. (America's Next Top Model, anyone?)

We are wrapping up football/soccer season in the next couple of weeks.
Then, the family schedule will be a whole lot less stressful.
I got a few really great shots this year of the boys playing.

They are actually at the age now, where they appreciate that their mom is a little freaky about taking pictures of everything.

This shot was right after Brendan kicked a goal.
Shayne is on his team this year.
Awwww...Brothers...
High Five! (Or middle five...whatever works.)

The next couple are super crappy.
It was a night game, and a zoom lens.
Jayden caught a pass, and ran it.

Now I know, that most of you are thinking, "well, yeah, that is generally how football is played."
Let me give you a little background on Jayden:

The kid hasn't hit his growth spurt yet.
One day, when I was downstairs unloading the dishwasher or something stimulating like that, he yelled at me from upstairs.
"MOM!! Come QUICK!"
His voice had a certain urgency to it, and my heart was in my throat as I ran upstairs to find him.
He was on the bathroom scale.
"LOOOOK!" he said, "HURRY!"
The scale registered 100.2 pounds.
"I broke 100!" he said, "hurry and LOOK, cause I really need to take a dump."
(He knew that *ahem* "nature" would drop him back under the 100 pound mark.)

Like I said, hasn't hit his growth spurt.
He is a skinny kid.

This is his first year playing football, and he has really done well.
What he lacks in stature, he makes up for in drive.
He has worked his little butt off, and I am proud of him.

Here are some projects that I made for the last trade show:
Some Halloween Shapes from Quickutz

A layout with the Fall line from Karen Foster

And what I call a "grid layout."
These are layouts I periodically do to capture little things that don't warrant a whole layout by themselves. Plus it is a great way to use up those spare things (single deco brads, charms or stickers) that are left over from other projects.

I think that is all I have.
Off to wash some uniforms...

What the effffffffffffffff.

2009-09-28T10:29:00.001-07:00

My thyroid came back completely NORMAL.

Someone hold me.
Back to square one...

A whole lot of nothin' for a $25.00 co-pay.

2009-09-24T11:33:00.006-07:00

"How are you?" the smiling, green scrub-clad doctor asked me.
"Well, aside from being bat-$hit crazy, I guess I am doing okay" I said.
He chuckled.
I didn't.
Then I cut right to the heart of the matter and brought out my notebook.
Oh yes, I did.
I wrote it alllll down.
I didn't want to miss a thing.
He nodded thoughtfully and made notes as I spoke.
I am pretty sure he was just doodling, but he made a good pretense of the note-taking.
I rattled off everything that was going on with me. Physically. Emotionally.
Then, when I got to the end of the list, he looked up nodding in that knowingly slash sympathetic way and said "you are text-book premenopausal."

Emphasis on text-book.

I seriously can't grasp why guys like this get paid real money.
Google told me I was premenopausal.
I bet there is a Wonderpets episode on menopause.
I want help, not an obvious diagnosis.

I told him that.

Then he said, "99 percent of women that come through that door have one of three things they are concerned about: not being able to lose weight, non-existing libido and lack of energy. If I could fix those things, I would be a very wealthy man."

I knew right then, that this visit was not going to go as I had planned in my head.

We talked a while longer, and he offered to put me on birth control.

I was wondering if he knew that the best form of birth control EVER would be to just keep me like I was.
NO ONE LIKES ME LIKE THIS!

Birth control?
Really?

There were other things mentioned too, don't get me wrong, but apparently there isn't a quick fix for me.
I can't just get Advil Menopause with Anti-Crazy.

I am pretty sure my thyroid is off, so we are starting there, and then beginning a journey down what looks like a very long road of try and try again.

Then, he hands me a very large paper towel festooned with flowers, and looking very much like the roll of Bounty in my kitchen, and leaves me to the undressing for the exam.

I am sure I am not the only woman in the world who undresses, ready for a virtual stranger to see all her business, yet feels compelled to hide her underwear.

There I am standing in nothing but tissue,(my back-end not even covered) and stuffing my bra and undies into the leg of my jeans so they can't be seen.
What is that?

Sparing you the details of the exam, it was over quickly, and this year I scooted down far enough the first time. Yay me.

"This might pinch a little." is a huge, big fat lie of an understatement.

Then some blood work.
Then back to the car.

And when I was in the car, I realized that nothing was accomplished.
Nothing.

Granted, the blood work will be a start.
I need to have patience.

But I was still a little frustrated.
I felt sweaty.
So I went to Wendy's a got a large frosty.
The End.

Ketchup.

2009-09-18T11:01:00.016-07:00

Can I just say how happy it has made me to read your comments and realize that I am not the only one with the crazies?
Or maybe crazies attract crazies?
Either way, thank you for making me have hope again.

In spite of the hormone festival, here is what we have been doing lately.
A little of this:

You can see our tiny jeeps circled in the photo:

Beautiful scenery (although the leaves have not changed yet. Soon though!)

A picnic with grandpa's famous pasta salad:

A little bit of soccer for Shayne and Brendan.

With a super-hot and studly coach.
Their Dad:

A winning goal kick!

GO TEAM!
And Jayden is in football this year.

The only reason that I tuned into football games when I was younger was to see the cute man-bums in those tight football pants.
Now that it is my own SON and his geeky friends, it is a little eeew for me.

Since Sam is only working two jobs, over seeing building a new bowling center, being the executive secretary for the ward, coaching the soccer team and generally being a dad, we figured he could squeeze assistant football coach in there.
Besides, living with me lately, has made it pretty tempting to be gone.
Anywhere but home.
I can't blame him.
I wish I could leave me too.

Today, we are venturing out to the State Fair.
I am hoping to find freaky things to make me feel a little better about myself.

I just made these cookies to take along. I clipped the recipe from a magazine, and they are actually good! They are cookies with some serious substance.
Just one of them filled me up.
Cookies for breakfast?
I like it...
And an internet stolen image:

Breakfast Cookies

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
1-1/4 cups sugar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 cup water
1 egg
1 Tbsp. vanilla
1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup milk chocolate pieces
3 cups Cherrios
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In large mixing bowl beat butter and peanut butter with electric mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds. Add sugar, baking soda, and salt. Beat until combined, scraping sides of bowl. Beat in water, egg, and vanilla until combined. Beat in flour until combined. Beat in as much of the rolled oats as you can with mixer. Stir in any remaining rolled oats. Stir in choc. chips and Cheerios.
2. Drop dough by scant 1/4 cupfuls about 3 inches apart onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten slightly. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool on cookie sheet for 5 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and let cool completely. Store cookies in tightly covered container for up to 5 days or freeze for up to 3 months. Makes 24 (2-cookie) servings.

I will report back later on the fair.
Photos will follow.
And I'll be sure to eat lots of fried things on a stick.

This too shall pass, yes?

2009-09-16T14:56:00.004-07:00

My hormones are out of control.
I am not going to lie, things have been pretty tense around here.

Never fear, I have a doctors appointment set, and I am not leaving that place until I am fixed.

It really, really sucks to get old(er).

I haven't even tried to figure what is going on with my mood swings.
I used to be able to keep my crap together, and knew when "my bad week" was coming for the month.
I would stock up on some chocolate or something, and get through it.
Now, however, it seems like I only have one "good week" a month.
Some days, I am filled with a bitter sort of rage...I feel like I could implode at any minute.

Other days I cry a lot.
From overwhelming blessings...(gratitude)
Because I found a picture of the kids when they were babies...(nostalgia)
Remembering what it was like eating Lofthouse cookies without guilt. (wistfulness)
Or generally weeping from plain old anxiety.

I am super fun to be around when I am like this.
It is like living with Bruce Banner.

I am a hot mess o' crazy right now.
I can't even tear my own hair out, cause, well...it's leaving of it's own free will.

My hair is shedding.
Every day, after I shower, I am picking hairs off of my body, the counter, the floor. The stray hairs tickle the back of my arms, and drive me insane until I find them.
I have been known to ask random strangers in grocery stores to "please see if they can see a hair by the back of my arm?"
"Get it?"
"Thanks!"

The hair that is falling out of my head, is growing on my chin.
Or my moles.
I have invested in a very expensive pair of precision tweezers.
It is almost a full-time job, the tweezing.

I bought a nose-hair trimmer.
I NEEDED it.

Insomnia.
Fatigue.
The bloating.
Night sweats.
Day sweats.
Random break-outs of acne? WTH? I am 30 freaking SEVEN!

The only thing that had been bringing me happiness is my nightly bowl of ice cream.
I wanted to share with you, my fine reading pool: My Recipe for Happiness.

And also, because if I am gaining weight from all this happiness, then I need to make my friends a little fatter too, so we can just love each other in spite of our physical imperfections.

Do you have a can of evaporated milk?
Do you have ten minutes?
And some ice cream?
Then proceed to the happy place:

Hot Fudge Sauce
1 c. sugar
3 T. cocoa
6 T. butter
3/4 c. evaporated milk

Boil for five minutes, stirring constantly then add:
1 t. vanilla

Let it cool a bit, and top that ice cream!

I store mine in the fridge in an empty frosting container.

Rinse that pan out, and let's go again!

Caramel Sauce
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. packed brown sugar
6 T. butter
3/4 c. evaporated milk

Boil for five minutes, stirring constantly then add:
1 t. vanilla

Cool a bit, and top your second bowl of ice cream.
Or third.
Whatever you need.

Canada Episode III (final)

2009-09-12T21:11:00.028-07:00

I totally know that you guys don't care about the final post, cause it has been so long and all, but I finally edited everything else, and dimmit! I am posting the rest of the trip.

Let's see where we left off...
Oh yes, heading out to Prince Edward Island to see ANNE!
Also Green Gables.
The Anne of Green Gables.
That Anne Girl.
Anne with an "E."
I heart her.
On the way out to PEI, every turn of the freeway opened up a beautiful new scene.

It sure beat the trash strewn freeways of Utah.
We reached one particular crest in the road to have it open up into a sweeping field of yellow wildflowers.
The whole hillside was covered!
Before I could catch my breath long enough to holler out "STOP!" Sam had already pulled over.
The van doors opened, and all the kids climbed out, skidded down the gravel roadside, and posed for the paparazzi mom.

You know you are bad when you don't even have to ask anymore.
The family knows a photo-op when they see it.
Seriously though, beautiful, eh?

Since Prince Edward Island is well, an island, to get to it from Nova Scotia, you have to take a bridge.
A seventeen MILE BRIDGE.
Over the water.
With nothing below you.
But water.
It was a little freaky to me.
I am glad I don't have to commute it often. Or ever.

On the way home we saw the finger of God from the bridge.

Isn't that a weird shot?
The setting sun peeked out for a couple of minutes.
Anyway, back to Anne!
We were very lucky that she was home that day.

Never mind my cheesy smile.
I just love Anne.
I have always loved Anne.
We are kindred spirits.
And it was pretty surreal to actually be at Green Gables.
It was not the Green Gables shown in the movies, but the actual Green Gables that Lucy Maud Montgomery based the description on in her Green Gables novels.

We got to go inside.
They had some of the props that were used in the movie.
One of Anne's "puffed sleeved" dresses:

The slate that Anne broke over Gilbert Blythe's head:

"Lover's Lane" (with two middle-aged lovers.)

And the "Haunted Woods."

It was all very green and pretty.
They say that although L.M. Montgomery eventually moved away from Prince Edward Island--her heart never left that beautiful place.

I can see why.

The next place we went was called "The Bay of Fundy."
It was a natural park, where the tide rolls in and out so quickly that you can actually walk on the bottom of the ocean floor.
The tide rolls out, and leaves this sticky mud, and some hermit crabs.
Then you have to get your butt out of there, cause it rises up almost 70 feet.

They are not kidding.
Look how cool, though:

The rock formations were awesome.

The mud? Not so much.
It was like glue.

Meet Dumb and Dumber:

Exploring in the quick-sand like mud.
Slippery mud that would suck your feet in, and not let go.
"Stay on the rocks!" we said.

That night we learned how to use a looney coin-operated washer and dryer at the hotel.

Other highlights of the trip, in a quick summary:
Peggy's Cove, with a very cool lighthouse.
On the way out there, I thought it was interesting to see these random boulders on the hillsides.
They were deposited when the melting glaciers were moving through when the island was formed.

The lighthouse:

I am not sure why we don't have any lighthouses in Utah.
We need to get us some.
I guess we do have that tin shack at the top of Timpanogos.
The kids liked hiking around on the rocks at Peggy's Cove.

We had life-changing donuts from this joint:

I know that the 40 count container is supposed to be a "family pack."
But I ate it all myself.
Don't judge me.
They were donut HOLES for pete's sake.
Those don't even count.

We had a ghetto picnic at one point.

Here is a funny story.
We hit the grocery store to get bread and peanut butter and jam, right?
Cause it is cheap and filling.
And kind of a tradition.
So we had my mother in law, Bonnie go find the jam.
Look what she bought!
LOOK!!

RAISIN FREAKING JAM!
What the heck?
As she clearly forgot, that raisins are the fruit of the devil, I marched her right back to the jam shelf to help her select some good old-fashioned grape maybe?
Raisin....sigh...

Oh, guess what?
The joke was on me.
Turn that RAISIN jam jar around, and what have you?

Oh.
Grape.
Uh, I guess raisins are considered grapes.
In some form.
A thousand pardons, Bonnie.

I was determined to see a real live Canadian Moose.
And this was all I got.
From the moving van none the less.

If you squint, it looks kind of real.
Eh?

We also took the kids to a free ocean life museum.
It was very hands-on and ended up being a highlight for the kids.
Free is great too.
We were spending a lot of money on Canadian candy bars.

Something had to give.

The lobster in this next picture we were told, weighed around 25 pounds. He was so old, that he had stopped shedding his shell, and actually had barnacles and moss and crap growing on his claws.
Pinchers?
Whatever.
He was big. Trust me.

There was also this bright royal blue guy.

That is the color "albino" lobsters are.
Something about missing pigment.

Then we took a drive to see the temple in Halifax.

Nice to have a familiar site, even when you are in another country.

And that was about it.
I will wrap this thing up with some of my favorite scenic photos.
And I am headed to bed.
Dreaming of Timbits.

For just two quarters...

2009-09-01T12:32:00.004-07:00

Brendan came downstairs the morning of my birthday sporting this:

"What's up with that?", I asked him.
"What do you mean?" he said, stroking his felt 'stache with the thumb and index finger of his right hand.
"The sweet 'stache." I said.
"Oh, thiiiiiis," he said, dragging out the word, and jiggling his eyebrows up and down "I think it makes me look distinguished."

Most kids spend their change on gumballs, or temporary tattoos.
Not Brendan.
He spent his 50 cents on a self-adhesive porn 'stache.

And wore it with pride to sixth grade.

I can't get enough of this kid.

37 years ago TODAY!

2009-08-31T07:55:00.003-07:00

I came into the world.
Backwards.
"Posterior" is the medical term for my birth position.
"Painful" is the layman's term for my birth position.

My birth would prove to be a foreshadowing for everything my parents had to endure raising me.

I remember during one particularly painful time period, my Mom talking to me late one night:

"If I could just show you your life five years from now, you would see! You would see how quickly that this too shall pass. I wish I could show you...things will get better!"

The desperate cry of a mother, willing her broken child to find hope.

I am glad the crystal ball was broken then.

We laughed later, because almost exactly five years from that point, I was trapped at home with a three year old, an 18 month old, and newborn twins.

I may have committed suicide with a plastic butter knife seeing that scene.

Fast forward a few years...
The kids are less needy.
I sleep through the night.
I have "me" time now.
I really appreciate things, I may even be more mature.
I live a very blessed life.

Granted, everything droops.
I am deep in pre-menopause.
And almost needing reading glasses, or else they have just started printing things smaller...
But life is good.

My Mom was on the right track.
Things got better.
Things keep getting better.

37 is not a bad place to be.

Thanks, Mom.
Glad we both hung in there.

Merry Christmas to all the moms out there!

2009-08-20T09:26:00.009-07:00

I am not even going to apologize for not blogging.

Hey man, when I find myself "having a life" and NOT sitting in front of the computer for entertainment, it has to be a good thing? Yes?

It is SAHM Christmas today.
I needed to publicly express my appreciation to all the school teachers and faculty who make it possible for me to regain my sanity.

Don't get me wrong, we had probably the best summer in Wadley history.
Why?
The pool pass.

I did not ONCE hear any of my kids say "I am bored."
I barely saw them this year.

Anyway, they all went back to school today.

"'Bye kids! Y'all don't come back for six hours, ya hear?!"
Even the baby.
She started first grade.
None of that half-day Kindergarten crap.

I gleefully sent them off, and now I am sitting here.
Paralyzed.
I have so many possibilities of things that I can do...by myself...that I can't do anything.

This plus the fact that I am injured.

I better back up a bit.
This:

Is my Hog.
It is a pretty sweet 1970's retro "Champ."
I like to cruise around on it.
Sam finally got it all fixed up for me this summer.
I feel like pretty hot crap on it.
Seriously.
It's awesome.
That Hog tops out at about 25 mph.
Nothing like feeling the wind whip through the hairs on your unshaven legs!

So anyway, it needs a new Petcock.
In case you are wondering, a petcock is a real thing.
Here is a picture of my petcock:

I have blogged about petcock's before.
About Sam's petcock.
HERE.
Maybe one day, everyone in our family can have their own petcocks.
That would make for a great Christmas card photo.

So my petcock is currently faulty.
It leaks.
And every once in a while, I get this random surge of power to the hog.
Well, last night, it surged as I was rounding a corner and I barely stopped myself.
Fred Flinstone like.
While I was wearing flip-flops.

The road took off the top of my toe.

There is going to be a graphic picture next.
Just warning you.
Are you ready?
If you do not like gross and inappropriate things, you are kinda on the wrong blog.
Just sayin'.
Anyway, here are my nine and a half toes:

It blew off my polish even!
The black parts may be tar or bruising.
No one can know yet.
I am not scrubbing it.
It hurt so farking bad that I took four advil and sat in the tub.

With my foot out.

I was in the tub so I could cry in peace, and blame it on the water from the jets.
No one wants to see an almost 37 year old lady bawling from an owie.
It's just embarrassing for all.

So after the Advil kicked in, I went to bed.
I wrapped it with a glob of Neosporine and a pantyliner.
Dude, it was too big of a job for a bandaid.
Don't judge.

This morning it feels a lot better.

But last night, I dreamed that I really wanted to go to the gym, so I put my toe in an old-school 35mm film canister, filled with cotton, and could still work out. YAY!

I am sick.
Who dreams about the gym?
I guess ol' Nine Toes does.

In spite of having only nine working foot digits, it is still going to be a great day here.
I will leave you with the wise words from the folks at Staples who so eloquently sum up my feelings this day:

<---here is the LINK, cause some folks are getting an error code for the above.
Enjoy!

Canada Episode II (The Tall Ships)

2009-08-08T10:22:00.038-07:00

The reason Molly chose this particular week to go to Canada, was for the Tall Ship Festival. Every seven years, tall ships from around the globe gather in Nova Scotia.

There were ships from Russia, Barbados, Uruguay, France, Brazil...
The first day the ships ported.
All the crew members were walking around, seeing things, and also getting their ships in top shape for display.

I love uniforms.
Sigh...
This ship was full of cute little foreign sailors.

I love accents.
Sigh...
Can you see their laundry strung out over the ropes?

I love a man who does laundry.
Sigh...
Of course there was also the occasional scalawag.
My kids are fans of the occasional scalawag:

There was no rum consumed by us.
However, there was the consumption of Poutine.

Poutine is another Canadian thing.
It is basically hand-cut fries, topped with melty white cheese and gravy.
I recommend using a fork.
The first day at the port, we just walked around taking everything in.
Can you see the sailors up in the masts of the ship?
I think they are polishing the wood, or maybe scraping off barnacles.
You will see my knowledge of all things ship related is pretty vast...

The next time we went down to the port, we actually boarded some of the ships.
I am not sure how those sailors keep all the ropes straight.
There was a lot of rope.

There were also big steering wheels.
I realize they are called something other that steering wheels, but I can either google correct maritime terminology, or post pretty pictures.
You get pictures today.

Here are some inside shots of some of the boats. (Galley's perhaps?)

A swinging table:

I bet that is fun on soup day.
The kids.
On a boat.

And just to prove that they are my kids...here they are showing signs of "distracted by all things shiny" like their mother.

Here we are, in the midst of a once in a lifetime chance to see big honking ships that they don't even make anymore. And where are my kids?
Oh yeah. Fascinated by barnacles and trash in the water.

And here is another time when they ran off.
Climbing on this thing.
See the arrow I added to the photo?
It is a safety cone, with a sign attached to the safety cone that reads: "Wet Paint."

I think that was an attempt to keep kids off of the thing.

I was happy the Tall Ships were g-rated.
I have seen worse on the "Tidal Wave" boat at Lagoon.

Chivalry is not dead.
This cute sailor helped all the ladies down the steep steps.

There was a lighthouse conveniently located in the port.
Canada is very photographer friendly that way.

The last day we spent in the port, was the Parade of Ships.
The ships left the port, in full sail.
It was amazing!
Everyone just grabbed a spot to sit wherever they could.
The whole port was crawling with people.
And cameras.
And very impressive zoom lenses.
We chose some pointy butt-stabbing rocks.

The pointy rocks were home to many creatures.
There was a sneaky mink? looking thing that would pop up every once in a while, to the kids' amusement.

I didn't even care about my sore bum.
You know why?
Cause this:

And this:

And this one was our favorite:

We were seated quite a distance away from the main drag, and this ship sailed clear over our way. Everyone cheered!
Thanks Sagres(from Portugal)!
You guys rock.
Avast!
All hail off the port bow!
(All my sea-lingo knowledge comes from Pirates of the Caribbean.)

More pretty ships:

This one is the Cisne Branco.
It is from Brazil.

I made sure to wait until the Brazilian flag unfurled to take the photo.
With a special shout-out to my cousin Kim, who lived in Brazil.
You're welcome!
I think I deserve a hot-tub party for thinking of you.
Call me!
Commencing with the parade:

A little palate cleanser:

And moving on...

And I have approximately 766 more breath taking photos of Tall Masted Ships...
But this concludes this epic and photo heavy post.
Yaaaaaar Welcome.

Holla.

2009-08-04T13:47:00.004-07:00

Interrupting the Canada trip report to say:
"I have finished school shopping."
For
FIVE
kids.

I still need some random supplies from the lists we will be getting from their teachers, but dang! pants, shirts, shoes, undies and socks.
All on a budget.

I deserve something.

Canada Episode I

2009-07-28T15:03:00.017-07:00

I have been editing away, and figured I would break this trip up into smaller, more digestible portions.

Here is the first photo I took of the trip:

I was just so excited we made it to our destination!
Sometimes you don't get that luxury flying stand-by.

My sister-in-law Molly, and brother-in-law Clay and their little family were still trying to make it to Canada.
They were flying on buddy passes, the ugly red-headed step-child of stand-by flights.

It took them an extra couple of days to finally see this airport.
Molly was our events coordinator.
Since she wasn't there, we went out on our own this first day to The Citadel in Halifax. Molly had already been to the fort, so we figured she wouldn't really care to go back.
The fort was built in the 1800's to protect the port.

They have reenactments of military drills in the fort.
They wore clothing that was historically accurate.
It was hotter than the blazes of hell.
I felt bad for the poor sweaty guys in wool.
Love me some bagpipes though:

And some fine looking young gentlemen sporting skirts:

They say real men wear pink.
Skirts I say!
Show me a guy who can pull off a skirt, and I will show you a man who is secure in his manhood.

This photo is a first in a series of photos I like to call "the back of my family...as they are WALKING AWAY FROM ME."
Leaving me packing the 50 pound camera/granola bar/water/jackets bag.

Hey...don't worry about me.

Have a fun trip!

If you need anything....you know, like a granola bar/water/jacket...just let me know.
I am right here.
Under this 50 pound bag.

And if this next shot is a little blurry, it is because I wasn't expecting these dudes to actually FIRE! the cannon.
It scared the poop out of me.

At least I didn't tumble down a grassy knoll...

Apparently that is problematic enough at the Citadel that they commissioned special signs.

One of the things we loved about Canada was the good candy.
Seriously, Canadians have it good.

My kids were ALL OVER the Kinder eggs.

I know they have them in Europe too.
They are chocolate eggs, filled with a smaller plastic egg that contains a PRIZE!
It is two, TWO! two treats in one.

What is in this thing?

YES!
A cheap and easily breakable (or lost) TOY!

SCORE!
And what is in yours, Mikayla?

A puzzle.
Huh.
Well, dang.

You could've had this:

A Coffee Crisp.

The greatest invention since...well, ever!
And Aero's are not too shabby either.

Then we drove back to our hotel.

We went swimming in the hotel pool/water slide:

And went to bed.

That was the first day in Canada.

July 27th, 2009

2009-07-27T09:12:00.008-07:00

Today I am officially the mother to a teenager.
We've been through:
Potty Training.
Stitches.
A broken arm.

Hormonal Meltdowns.
The growing out of the hair:

Growing pains.
He taught me how to be a mom, and I am still learning.
Poor kid.

The truth is...I have always been afraid to be the mom to teenagers.
I have been dreading it.
I have heard so many rotten things.
How hard it is!
How crabby teens are.

<---"crab"by...get it?

I was afraid I would lack the patience.
I still might.
After all, we are just starting this stage.
I am not so naive to think that there isn't worse to come.
I am just a little more optimistic about it coming.

Jayden is a pretty good kid.
And he could be a lot worse...

I think the same people who tried to scare me away from teenagers, forgot to mention how much fun they are too.
I genuinely like being around this kid.
He is mature and dependable.
But not too mature...he has a great sense of humor.
He is awesome with the younger kids.
He is a lot of help around the house, and so far, we have been able to keep him in food, thanks to Costco.

Happy 13th, Jayden!

I think 13 is a lucky number for both of us.

Just to brag a bit.

2009-07-26T17:39:00.002-07:00

I am still editing away on the trip photos.
In the meantime...my cousin Daniel is in a band.

Now I know almost everyone has a "cousin" in a garage band of some sort.
The difference is, Daniel went to Juilliard.
Last time I talked to my uncle Jeff, Daniel was really into Jazz.
Me=not a fan of Jazz.
At.
All.

So I didn't really follow his music for a while.

Then Jeff told us that Daniel's band won "The Battle of the Bands" in Las Vegas.
And they got a standing ovation at The Hard Rock Cafe.

I thought, "What the crap?? he plays Jazz!"
Um....not so much.

Here is his band, Imagine Dragons opening for Kelly Clarkson.
Dan Reynolds (Vox, Keys)
Andrew Tolman (Drums)
Brittany Robinson (Keys)
Ben McKee (Bass)

And Daniel Sermon...he is on guitar.
And he rocks it.
The only clip I could find online of his face-melting guitar solo was partially blocked by some chick rocking it out in the front row, and blocking Daniel.

"Sit down chick!!"
Oh wait...that is my AUNT DEBBIE. (His mom.)

This song on You Tube isn't my favorite one of theirs, but if you fast forward to about 1:30, you can catch Daniel on guitar.

They are actually really, really good.
Like, I would totally buy the album good.
Except I should probably get it free, since we are related and all. Right?

Anyway...here is a link to the band's MySpace page.
They have a few recorded tracks there.
Check them out!

I have talent in my gene pool!
Click here:
IMAGINE DRAGONS

We're back, eh.

2009-07-23T07:12:00.003-07:00

We took a little vacay to Canada this past week. We flew into Halifax, spent most of our time in Nova Scotia, with a day on Prince Edward Island. (Anne of Green Gables, anyone??)

I came home with two large suitcases of laundry, three packages of Canadian candy bars, 900+ photos of breathtaking scenery, and some sort of virus.
Not feeling really well right now.
At least I got sick on the last day of vacation.
Hoping extra rest will kick it.
I am gearing up for an epic blog post with pretty pictures, but I need to get feeling human again.

Things I may have said this week in Canada:

"I am soooo hungry I would welcome McDonalds food."

"This "McLobster" isn't so bad."

"Man! That guy's breath smelled so bad...it is like he saw me coming, picked a fresh stick of poo out of his butt and chewed it up just to talk to me."

"You know what is wrong with the U.S.? We don't have Coffee Crisp."

"Oooo look! MOOSE!!" (We never saw any live moose, but every time I said it, the kids stopped fighting long enough to search the trees.)

"Please tell me this "family pack" of Timbits is supposed to feed a family of one."

"I think I have gained like six pounds, but really, when you consider it is Canadian pounds, then maybe after it is converted, it is only like 3.5 back home..."

"I am so confused about which recycling bin to put my gum wrapper in...I think I will just eat it, and let my body recycle it."
********

We loved Canada.
I can totally see why my Canadian friends have dual citizenship.
There is no way I would be able to give up my connection to such a beautiful place.
The people were friendly and courteous, and proud of their country.
It was very clean, and just breathtaking in scenery.
Pictures and stuff to come...

I already have the office chair.

2009-07-02T11:39:00.002-07:00

Three kids, and four prescriptions ago was the last time I purchased eye glasses.
I normally wear contacts.
I use my glasses as back-ups.

Lately, my eyes have been really dry at night, and I switch to my glasses to watch movies with the family.

Well, I can't see so well with them, and they are starting to give me headaches.
I decided it was high time to invest in a new pair.

I went to Costco to the optical center, and asked the metro-sexual looking guy working there to help me pick out some frames.

"I would like classic rather than trendy." I said, as I knew I would not be replacing them for the next ten years or so.

He found me a few frames, and then...he gave me these:

"Oooooo, I liiiike those!" he said, "with your hair all pulled up, they make you look like a naughty secretary."

I was not sure how to respond to that.
I was not sure that was the look I was going for, but I bought them anyway.
And here:
<-----
was where I was going to insert a google-stolen image of a "naughty secretary."

I would not suggest you google that one.

Goodbye June.

2009-06-28T21:16:00.014-07:00

Can you believe that summer is one month down?
Me neither.
Time is flying!

I have been really busy.
Working on my tan...
Shaving my arm-pits...
Picking my toenails...
Catching up on the Jon and Kate situation. (I think it is her awful HAIR driving him away.)
You know, all those really important things.

I have really been enjoying summer, and have been really bad about updating this blog of mine.

I hope you guys have been too busy to read it!
Let me catch you up.
My washer broke.
That big pan that sits under it would fill with water every time I ran a load.
If I tried to run two loads, without shop vac-ing the pan out, it would overflow and flood the carpet.
My basement smelled like boys socks.
Sam took it apart and did something, and now it works again.
I love me a handy man.

I was glad and a little sad that he fixed it.
Why is it that you are secretly excited to get a new appliance?
That maybe somehow the *new*! appliance will be better/easier/prettier than the old one, when in reality...it is still a washer, and you still have to put the same amount of effort into the chore of laundry.

So I guess I really am glad, we saved enough money to keep us in Fla-Vor-Ice for the rest of the summer.

Been going to the pool.
This year I have been diligently working on my skin cancer.
I have color for the first time since I was 16 and laying out in the backyard WAS my summer job.
The kids can swim.
Who knew?

This past week was our town celebration.
We supported everything this year.
The parade:

Including Star Wars Guys:

And lots of Salt Water Taffy thrown out to the crowd:

We saw a bird show:

We watched the stock parade prior to the Rodeo:

Sam took the kids to the Rodeo.
I have already been to a Rodeo.
I don't care to go back.

We also watched a movie in the town ball park.
Fun times had by all.

I have been working on a lot of scrappy crap in my studio for CHA summer.
And yeah, one of my companies is releasing a "Scrapbooker" line.
I needed photos, and paid Jayden to take some.

Pretty sweet.
Here are some that did not make the cut:
Like this one featuring Jayden's feet.

And this happy scrapper:

I can't even share the stuff I am working on, so here are some old(er) projects, just to prove that I am still scrapping:

(With a special shout-out to the Magnusson family.)

Also, the news of Michael Jackson's death hit me pretty hard.
I always figured at some point he(she?)and I would marry.
Michael was my back-up plan.
He wrote "Billie Jean" with me in mind.

Did you know that?
Sigh.
I may or may not have owned a red coat with zippers and paired it with a single white glove...back in the day.
The 80's.
I miss the 80's!
I never mastered the moon walk...and now I never will.
Some dreams die.
Along with the originator of said dreams.

Anyway, that is pretty much all I had to report here.
I can't promise that I will be posting regularly, as long as there is a sweaty plastic lounge chair with my name on it and a shallow novel...

Please disinfect your screen after reading.

2009-06-20T11:35:00.003-07:00

"The symptoms of this new H1N1 flu virus in people are similar to the symptoms of seasonal flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue."

<---That is where I have been for the past three days.

Today, I can regulate my temperature.
I think I am getting better.

My body internal clock is awesome.
I sat on the couch alternately bundling up, and stripping down while I zoned in and out watching The Food Network and HGTV.

The best part?

I was watching Clean House, and fell asleep after the first ten minutes, then I woke up the last five minutes right during the reveal...! How awesome is that?

And it happened twice.
I woke up just in time to catch the best part.

I read a 350 page book.
I ate a whole box of Cream of Wheat. (It doesn't hurt my throat.)
I tried six different over the counter drugs. (None worked.)
I ordered a lot of stuff online.
It will be much cheaper for us when I am back in the land of the living.