This is NOT in the Handbook.

Last night we had an emergency Family Home Evening.

When all my kids were younger, they loved to play in the tub.
They loved to play in the shower!

I never had an issue getting them to bath.
They would stay in the tub long after the water turned cold, and long after their fingers and toes turned white/gray in color and wrinkled up like albino prunes.

Every Saturday night, I would personally scrub them good.
I loved the smell of a warm (Johnson & Johnson body wash) body wrapped up in a clean bleach-scented towel.

Apparently, during those years, it escaped their attention that you actually needed to "wash" when you took a bath.
With soap.
And shampoo.

One of my kids in particular has been looking rather greasy post-shower.
"Did you shower?"
"Yep."
"Did you wash your hair?"
"Yep."

Riddle me this. How does freshly washed hair hang like it has been dragged behind a horse on the range?

For days I would ask.
I saw it wet, with my own eyes, yet when it dried, it looked like a dust mop.
What was going on?

Well, come to find out, the boys bathroom, downstairs, has been out of shampoo for MONTHS.
Since around Christmastime, I discovered, after careful questioning.
They have been using Irish Spring.

Let's backtrack, shall we?
To about two years ago.
One of my nameless offspring had an issue with their butt.
Namely, a sore butt, like unto diaper rash of yore.
Except this kid was old(er) than they should have been for diaper rash.
This is really too much information, but the butt issue was really sore and may or may not have oozed.
Allegedly.
The nameless offspring was a little too old for a thorough inspection by myself.
((shudder))
So, I took this kid to the doctor.

We have been to foreign countries, and you never know what you can pick up in restrooms (and I use that term very loosely) in a foreign country.
Especially the type where they sell toilet paper by the square, and require you to flush the toilet yourself using a metal bucket full of questionable liquid.
But I digress...

Long story short, the doctor gave this child a cream of some sort, and told this child to be diligent about drying off after washing.

In the car, on the way home, the child tentatively asked what the doctor meant exactly by "washing."
At first I thought this was a joke, born out of the humiliation of recently spreading cheeks in front of a female pediatrician.
It was a dead serious question.
This is a fairly intelligent child.
This kid, was "unaware" that you needed to actually soap, lather up, and rinse your crack.

My ears were ringing.
That ringing right before you pass out, because you can't believe what you are hearing.
I took a very deep breath.
And wondered where in the heeeeeeal my parenting skills had gone wrong.
Plus, I had to fork out a $25.00 co-pay for this!

They wash in AFRICA, people.
On the barren sand swept hills, where those nomadic people-who have really long necks stretched out with a million metal rings live.

I saw them wash!
On the discovery channel.
Granted, they washed in stagnant ponds, but they had funky handmade soap and everything.

My child? Not so much.
"I guess I forgot about that," the child said.
I was mortified.

So fast forward again, to our emergency Family Home Evening.
One of my other offspring came to me on Sunday with a strange greasy, slimy glob on the top of their (freshly washed) head.
I discovered after poking it with a cotton swab, that it was conditioner.

I started having flashbacks of the "not soaping the butt" ordeal.
Clearly, this child thought that glopping random product on the head in some fashion constituted "washing."

Our Family Home Evening consisted of a discussion about hygiene.
We covered Body Washing 101.
"Private Parts: Even if They Don't 'Look' Dirty, They Still Need to be Soaped Up."
"How To Wash Your Hair, and Actually Reach the Scalp."
"Because Your Feet Are 'In' the Water the Whole Time, Does Not Make Them Clean."

I had a whole segment dedicated to pimples.
(I have four teens/pre-teens.)
(Sympathy accepted.)
I had a print-out of a cross section of skin.
We went over oil glands, and sweat glands and how they get clogged.

It was enlightening.
And yet, shouldn't pretty much ALL THIS CRAP, be COMMON KNOWLEDGE?!!

Just for good measure, we covered:
"Toothpaste: Not Just for Squirting on the Mirror."
And:
"Deodorant: No Longer an Option."

They have that funny parenting saying about how you can totally see how some species in the animal kingdom eat their young.
Not me.
It would give me salmonella or botulism or something.