Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tapering Off the Sugar Makes Me Grouchy.


Someone needs to wire my jaw shut.
For many reasons.
I am eating everything that is not nailed down. I don't even like plain M&M's....but they are right there....
Someone gave us a gourmet caramel apple.
It is so pretty!
Dunked in chewy caramel, then coated in white chocolate, and then generously sprinkled in glittering cinnamon-sugar.
I found the apple to be in my way.
All I really wanted was the candy it was wrapped in.
'Tis the season where fruits and vegetables are for suckers! Give me carbs! And sweet, sweet, sugar.

And here is the other reason it would probably serve all of humanity to have my jaw wired shut.
I have a few Holiday Season vents I would like to share.

Unexpected gift givers: I have found there are only a couple of ways to deal with unanticipated offerings: A-keep on hand several generic pre-wrapped gifts to do the instant exchange with, or B- re-gift. Either way requires lying. "Oh my gosh! You! Let me get YOUR gift, Merry Christmas, you!"

Caroling: Seriously folks, nothing is more uncomfortable than a surprise attack of carolers. It is awkward for everyone involved. I have been on both ends of the awkwardness. On the performing end, you are forced to plaster on a fake smile that says "I love this! I love giving! And freezing!"
There is always a handful of people in the group that really do have singing talent, they are needed to drown out the rest of the people that were suckered into the group. They belt out those tunes, like that are auditioning for Broadway! They know all the words to  "Good King Wenceslas." They often own things like woolen ascots, or faux fur muffs. They live for this crap!

To be on the receiving end is equally painful. Maybe more-so.

Here you are, minding your own business, just barely sitting down on the couch to take in an episode of Modern Family, when the doorbell rings. The porch is crowded with strangers and an occasional acquaintance who burst into song simultaneously the minute the door cracks. Surprise!
How many songs are they going to sing?
Don't they know we have radio now?
Do you invite them in? Thank them? WHAT IS THE PROTOCOL?
Must I whip up some glog or Wassail?

Wassail: Take some perfectly good, ice cold, refreshing apple juice, spike it with some bark and seed pod shards, boil it up on the stove until it smells and tastes just like a Glade Plug-in. Serve it up!
Everyone loves it!
Yeah...no one on my team loves it. I think if you are on team Wassail, I can safely assume you also enjoy raisins junking up your cinnamon rolls, and secretly enjoy the occasional slice of fruitcake.

Odd batteries not included: I get it that manufacturers don't include batteries in things. The batteries can go bad quickly, or even leak and ruin the product. But for the love, please use normal batteries if you are not going to include them. Nothing is worse than getting something unwrapped on Christmas morning to find that it needs a 9-volt, or a CR123.


Gifts that require intentional post-Christmas exchanging: "I thought this sweater looked just like you, but they didn't have your size." Better yet, when the well-meaning giver buys you a size XS, when the entire world can plainly see what a pipe dream THAT is.
Even more annoying is when it is not accompanied by any sort of a sales receipt.

The kids being out of school: "Christmas Break" my butt. I am happy for all of the teachers of the world, but having all my kids home, for two whole weeks, cooped up inside- because it is 17 degrees outside is not really a catalyst for "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

New Year's: I gotta be honest. New Year's gives me anxiety. I don't really even know how it is spelled. Is it New Years, or New Year's? Grammar police? Help?
I feel compelled to lay low the weeks leading up to the holiday, thus avoiding any invitations to parties. By the time New Year's rolls around, I am tired. I want nothing more than to eat leftovers, and sit on my own couch, in sweatpants and watch a movie.
Preferable a movie that I have already seen, that I can fall asleep to.
Worse is the week after, when people ask you what you did for New Year's. Nothing says "Party Animal!" like admitting to being in bed by 10. To sleep.

Hey man, I'm going to need my rest.

I have a whole list of resolutions that I am gearing up to fail epically at.

23 comments:

Shannon Colon, TheIrishScrapper said...

Love this and your honesty! Well done! I was smiling the whole time!

B. Poteraj said...

I've come to you from Imaginisce. I love the papers you used, AND the cute bunny!

sharon g said...

How adorable. I love the raindrop paper, the birdie, everything.

Cynthia Baldwin said...

AMEN to the odd batteries! grrr. "Sorry, honey, you can't play with this toy right now...maybe in a couple weeks when I have time to get a C123 battery." And then of course that's related to the kids-being-out-of-school - and BTW it's sunny and in the 50's here: go outside and PLAY, people! :)
Love your blog posts!

glenda said...

I love this post! I agree 100%. I also just love your projects. Glad I found you on Imaginisce!

Svetlana said...

What a story!
Thanks for sharing with us your beautiful works!

sumoffood said...

yah, to heck with New Year's Eve i say... bring on the fuzzy jammies and cuddle time with the wee ones!

Sue D said...

I totally agree about the batteries!

Lisa G. said...

too funny :) love the layout too

Rebecca said...

A friend told me about your blog and all I can say is....WRITE A BOOK GIRL....!!! You are awesome and make me giggle when no one else can! I relate to almost everything you post...LoL!
You could be making millions :)

Mag Family said...

I am with you on most everything. I do like raisins in my cinnamon rolls though...If carolers came to my house I would totally laugh at them then slam the door. New Years sucks. Maybe we should hang out in our jammies and eat fudge til we bloat.

Daisy Vilela said...

Thanks for sharing with us your beautiful works!And the story too!

Hugs

Barbara said...

Ah ha! The voice of experience! I could have written this myself; are we twins in a parallel universe? At last, my kids are grown and producing versions of their own holiday nightmares, and I can plead old-age restrictions on these activities so that they'll leave me alone to do my crafts. Chin up - you, too, will have peace and quiet one day. Keep on crafting - it is the road to sanity, and you do such a marvelous job at it!

Unknown said...

Imaginisce sent me and I'm a new follower too. TFS your story.

DonnaSue said...

Love your cards and clever technics!

Kathy said...

Hopping over from Imaginisce to tell you how cute your projects are there for the hop! And become a follower of yours!

Jan Garber said...

SO glad to have found your blog on Imaginisce! I needed a good laugh this morning!Good to see someone blogging honestly about their lives and family! Terrific projects, too! I can see where your creativity comes from.

Unknown said...

I do feel for you Shaunte- BUT I am a teacher andoh so look forward to Christmas break- sosrt of- My daughter is home with me which is terrific generaly speaking- All I want for Christmas is a day or two at home ALONE, I mean REALLY ALONE! :) Oh how I envy those of you that have days when no one but your shadow is home with you. Happy New Year!

Beth T. said...

very funny!

Denay said...

What a hoot! Your blog is quickly becoming my "go to" place for a great laugh!

Hope you get to spend your New Year's Eve just as you want!

Give'm a Worrell said...

I just found your blog and can I say...I am so happy to have found it!!! I have not stopped laughing and I only made it through your 2011 Christmas letter! I will follow for sure! Keep up the awesome work :)
Thanks too for making my day! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Unknown said...

Congrats on your fabulousness on the Imaginisce blog. You've been busy! Very creative & I loved your tips. You're a crafting pro. Also- I'm glad the light is working. If you ever need anything else for SAD just read your own blog. It's hilarious :)

Amy Sorensen said...

Here's the deal: I totally love wassail, but only mine which doesn't taste like air freshner at all. Also: I DO like raisins in my sweet rolls! AND! I'm not even too embarrassed to admit that I like fruit cake. But, only my grandma's fruitcake, and as she has been gone for almost twenty years, it's been a long time since I've eaten any.

Also, it is New Year's Eve. And New Year's Day. Apostrophe s because the eve and/or day belong to New Year. Which is sort of weird when you think about it, but, whatever.