Someone needs to wire my jaw shut.
For many reasons.
I am eating everything that is not nailed down. I don't even like plain M&M's....but they are right there....
Someone gave us a gourmet caramel apple.
It is so pretty!
Dunked in chewy caramel, then coated in white chocolate, and then generously sprinkled in glittering cinnamon-sugar.
I found the apple to be in my way.
All I really wanted was the candy it was wrapped in.
'Tis the season where fruits and vegetables are for suckers! Give me carbs! And sweet, sweet, sugar.
And here is the other reason it would probably serve all of humanity to have my jaw wired shut.
I have a few Holiday Season vents I would like to share.
Unexpected gift givers: I have found there are only a couple of ways to deal with unanticipated offerings: A-keep on hand several generic pre-wrapped gifts to do the instant exchange with, or B- re-gift. Either way requires lying. "Oh my gosh! You! Let me get YOUR gift, Merry Christmas, you!"
Caroling: Seriously folks, nothing is more uncomfortable than a surprise attack of carolers. It is awkward for everyone involved. I have been on both ends of the awkwardness. On the performing end, you are forced to plaster on a fake smile that says "I love this! I love giving! And freezing!"
There is always a handful of people in the group that really do have singing talent, they are needed to drown out the rest of the people that were suckered into the group. They belt out those tunes, like that are auditioning for Broadway! They know all the words to "Good King Wenceslas." They often own things like woolen ascots, or faux fur muffs. They live for this crap!
To be on the receiving end is equally painful. Maybe more-so.
Here you are, minding your own business, just barely sitting down on the couch to take in an episode of Modern Family, when the doorbell rings. The porch is crowded with strangers and an occasional acquaintance who burst into song simultaneously the minute the door cracks. Surprise!
How many songs are they going to sing?
Don't they know we have radio now?
Do you invite them in? Thank them? WHAT IS THE PROTOCOL?
Must I whip up some glog or Wassail?
Wassail: Take some perfectly good, ice cold, refreshing apple juice, spike it with some bark and seed pod shards, boil it up on the stove until it smells and tastes just like a Glade Plug-in. Serve it up!
Everyone loves it!
Yeah...no one on my team loves it. I think if you are on team Wassail, I can safely assume you also enjoy raisins junking up your cinnamon rolls, and secretly enjoy the occasional slice of fruitcake.
Odd batteries not included: I get it that manufacturers don't include batteries in things. The batteries can go bad quickly, or even leak and ruin the product. But for the love, please use normal batteries if you are not going to include them. Nothing is worse than getting something unwrapped on Christmas morning to find that it needs a 9-volt, or a CR123.
Gifts that require intentional post-Christmas exchanging: "I thought this sweater looked just like you, but they didn't have your size." Better yet, when the well-meaning giver buys you a size XS, when the entire world can plainly see what a pipe dream THAT is.
The kids being out of school: "Christmas Break" my butt. I am happy for all of the teachers of the world, but having all my kids home, for two whole weeks, cooped up inside- because it is 17 degrees outside is not really a catalyst for "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
New Year's: I gotta be honest. New Year's gives me anxiety. I don't really even know how it is spelled. Is it New Years, or New Year's? Grammar police? Help?
I feel compelled to lay low the weeks leading up to the holiday, thus avoiding any invitations to parties. By the time New Year's rolls around, I am tired. I want nothing more than to eat leftovers, and sit on my own couch, in sweatpants and watch a movie.
Preferable a movie that I have already seen, that I can fall asleep to.
Worse is the week after, when people ask you what you did for New Year's. Nothing says "Party Animal!" like admitting to being in bed by 10. To sleep.
Hey man, I'm going to need my rest.
I have a whole list of resolutions that I am gearing up to fail epically at.