because the wound is still fresh...

A couple of weeks ago I was approached by Karen Foster Design to come to the office to film a few short video clips demonstrating their new scrapbooking tool, the Scraparatus.

I ignored the e-mails for a few days, mulling it over. Willing it to go away.

I am really not *that* girl. You know, the whole in front of a camera type. No sir...I am very much the behind the scenes type. I hoped that they would find someone else, and made myself sick thinking about it. Of course, the sickness could have been the starvation, you know, in case I had to do it, after all, the camera adds ten pounds. And please....who likes that thought?

So of course, things progress, and me, being the dummy I am, think to myself, really....how hard can this be? I mean, it's only a few minutes. And then I could stop worrying about it. Just get it over with, and sleep like a baby when it's done.

Today was the day. I needed confidence. I prepared the best that I could. I did the whole shop for new clothes thing, the heavy make-up thing, the manicure thing---for Pete Sake! A manicure! I should have seen the foreshadowing of the event when my three year old told me I had "pretty old lady nails." This wasn't going to work out like I had envisioned.

Well, let me tell you what...

I don't care who you are, when you are plopped under mega-watt lights, all ALONE and have a big fat camera in your face you turn into Video Idiot.

I want you, my friends, to feel what it was like, so you never have to be Video Idiot. Ever. Just say no.

There are helpful cue cards, and suggestions to stuff your brain full with:

"Make sure you say something about the correct positioning of the tool"
"Hold the tool slightly higher..."
The lights sooooo hot...Dry Idea Powder Fresh...stay with me....
"Slow down a little."
"Mention the unique grip."
"Could you squeeze in something about the magnetic handle?"
And I think there was something in there about Etched Edged Dies...?!<---say *that* three times fast!
Heart pounding. Sweating....mouth so dry...so hot....
"Let's try a new angle."
"We are going to go again from the top and pan in closer."
"Catch that part about the felt again."
"Remember.....just be natural, and SMILE!!!"

At this point my SMILE had morphed into a plastic imitation of a smile. A smile that I am sure a mortician would be fired over.

I could feel it. I couldn't change it. I wanted to be witty. I wanted the dialog to flow. I wanted to be just like Ryan Seacrest! I'd like to blame it on the fateful day I gave up caffeine. I wasn't Fun Bobby anymore. I was Video Idiot!

I would mid-sentence lose my thought, and then I would blurt out some freaking motarded thing. Or forget whole points. Or mess up with the tool. And take it again from the top...

At one point I said, and you can quote me:
"So...when you are ready to DIE, you take the tool and....." <----Left the very crucial "CUT" out of die-cut, and another time I said "When you are going to PUNCH something..."<---- Try punching MYSELF, with my fancy Old Lady nails. Ugh.

Let's just say I have a re-newed sense of respect for actresses. Even those crappy ones on infomercials.

The crew was very kind. Very patient. And the camera-man was impressive. He paused me at one point to tell me to powder my face. A Man! Honestly, I was so grateful. I think the only thing worse that a botch video job for all the world to see, would be a botched video job where you were greasy, for all the world to see.

So the worst part of it all, is the knowing. Knowing it is "out there" now. Knowing that I can't take it back, that my grand-kids could run across it one day. Or you. My friends!

So I am begging you. Please don't base the sale of the product on the Video Idiot. The Scraparatus can't help it that I was the dolt pimping it out. Go easy on me, if you ever happen to stumble upon this never-to-be-linked-on-my-blog trainwreck.

I vow to you, that was my first and last production. I am going to stick to the writing and scrapping, thank you very much.

And, in spite of my "sleep like a baby" theory, I am going to spend a few hours (days? months?) re-hashing my blunders and basking in the delights of regret.