The summer before seventh grade, I was the epitome of cool.
I had a sweet new mullet haircut.
I wore super classy bow ties.
I sported the latest in blue/pink Maybelline eyeshadow.
I. HAD. IT. GOIN'. ON.
Look out Junior High--
You have no idea what is hittin' you this year. This babe.
It was right around this time, I took an interest in beauty and fashion. Duh, you can like, totally tell, I know.
I subscribed to Seventeen, after all.
I read about potions to fade my freckles. (didn't work)
I saved all my babysitting money to buy myself some Kangaroos (they are making a come-back!) and Swatches(I had two).
I pored over the pages learning "How to Make Him Notice You", and "Facing That First Kiss."
I faithfully followed the step-by-step lessons on applying daytime vs. nighttime eyeshadow. I practiced with my magnifying mirror to perfect the process.
I cursed my pores. I loathed my freckles, which were magnified, along with the Maybelline in this mirror. And then I saw IT.
Not just a mole.
I can't believe I hadn't noticed it before!
It was giant!
And worse...it had....
Hairs growing out of it.
There I said it.
Tiny, white hairs.
It was hideous!
I was HIDEOUS!
There was no way I was going to "Face My First Kiss" with that...THAT...MOLE!
I was a little panicked. At the very least, I needed those hairs gone.
So I grabbed myself a pink Lady Bic, to shave the hairs.
Ladies, and I guess gentlemen--(sorry guys)the Lady Bic, with all it's self-lubricating genius, is NOT a precision instrument.
It lopped that mole off. Not just the hairs. BUT THE WHOLE MOLE.
The mole did not grow back.
But the hairs did.
The hairs did.
Only they were angry about being evicted from their home.
They come in black now.
Thick man-beard whiskers.
And have to be plucked. Often.
It is a curse.
Thank you, Seventeen.
And this is my final reminder for all my close friends.
If I am ever in some accident that renders me comatose, and you feel compelled to come see me, lying tragically in my bed in a coma...please bring some tweezers. Please?
Help a girlfriend out.