Not going back.

Last week I tried my first Yoga class.

Remember, that class was in the gym at the church.
I survived it.
It was only a half hour long.
And I kinda liked it.
I felt all stretchy and relaxed.

So Ponica talked me into trying the Yoga class at the gym. The real gym, not the church gym.

The gym Yoga class is a full hour.
I was a dummy, cause I went to an hour long pump class before Yoga.
I really like pump class.
I thought I could do both.
Boy, I am seriously shorting out in my brain lately.

So I was early for Yoga, cause I was already in the gym post-pump.
I grab a Yoga mat, and lay one out for Ponica who was meeting me over there.

I had to take my shoes and socks off.
Lucky for me, I had painted my toenails this week.
They were glittery! and purple!, and matched the yoga mat.
I had good toe self-esteem.
I think that is important for Yoga.

The regulars for the class started coming into the gym.
They had their own mats.
They wore Teva's and stretchy Yoga pants.
They had long flowing hair, pulled back into ponytails.

THOSE WERE THE MEN.

The girls that came in, were very earthy.
They smelled like incense.
No one else had painted toenails.

When they came in, they immediately started stretching.
Some dude/lady was doing hand-stands.

The teacher came in and put the music on.
Turned out all the lights.
The class went on.
And on.
Annnnnd onnnnnn.

My stupid mat was slippery, and I was already shaky in the shoulders from doing pump class. I almost face-planted during "downward dog."

I was super glad it was dark.

Finally, towards the end of class, the teacher had us all lay down on the mat in the "corpse" pose, for a cool-down. I guess? Not sure what it is called in Yoga.

Anyway, she started counting off our breathing.
In for two, out for six. In for two, out for six...

And then she said something like "stop breathing?" The whole class was just laying on their mats like they were asleep, or maybe dead. For a long time.

Then she rings this chime, and I am not kidding you...the whole class, rolled over on their sides, still asleep. Or maybe in a trance.

Then about five minutes later, she chimes the bell again, and they all immediately sit up into the lotus position. Like a cult of zombies.

Ponica said the chimes are because some people really do fall asleep, and they have trained their sub-conscious to listen for the chimes.
The first one is like a snooze button, I guess?

Yoga is for weirdies.