Yesterday was one of my least favorite days I have had on this earth so far.
I don’t like the dentist.
And yesterday, I had the privilege of spending two quality hours there. For myself. I had a little work done.
It started off nice. Around 2:00.
The office has warm cookies. I am not kidding. They are not even trick cookies made out of fluoride or something. A festive plate full of warm, chocolate chip cookies. They were in reception where you check in and out.
I declined, since I was having work done, and had just brushed the crap out of my teeth right before coming over. To prove how thorough I really am, and how did this girl get cavities anyway? I am not sure, she is such a good brusher!
They seated me, and offered me a soft, warm blanket.
I got my own TV. With a tiny remote.
Of course, nothing was on, so the assistant offered me a movie.
I chuckled inside, thinking a whole movie was a bit much, but I settled on one to watch because it was better than football and way better to drown out the horrible elevator music that is playing in the background.
Then the dentist came in, and his perky assistant with a clipboard.
They started that secret code talk.
“Looks like a 17 on J and A.”
“Possible 24 on J as well.”
Perky assistant scribbles away…
I am pretty sure a “17” means “this lady never flosses.”
And the other code was for the Mountain Dew deposits.
Then they both leave. Probably to talk about my super! awesome! shoes!. I wore the silver ones. They give me confidence. I needed confidence.
In fact, I almost chickened out in the parking lot.
Then this other chick comes in.
I guess her only job is to give people shots.
She has the worst job ever.
No one likes her.
She should get some awesome shoes.
The first order of business she attends to is to chain the token bib around my neck.
This sends the clear message, that yes, you will be drooling all over, and you will have no dignity at all, as you will not be able to feel said drool.
She gave me the numbing gel, and while I am holding two swabs in my mouth, and trying to prevent the drool from running down my chin…she proceeds to talk to me.
Why? Why do they do this?
She is talking about my kids from yesterday.
“Very well behaved” she said, “just great kids.”
And I am thinking “Well, pick a favorite, cause most likely you guys will be getting one for collateral when this bill hits.”
I mumbled something, and I think she translated it.
Then, she stuck me with the needle. IN THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. I swear to you…she nicked my brain. I felt it in my scalp. I am not even lying. And I thought I was going to cry.
The second injection went into the side of my mouth, and I was numb in my ear.
What is that?!
Then she left. And the dentist came back.
Everything after that was a blur.
There was drilling, and grinding, and I smelled burning teeth, and the girl kept suctioning my lips and it made a horrible sound, and where does all that spit and blood and tooth shards go anyway? Where? Is there a big septic tank under the dentist office?
I couldn't hear the movie, what with the drilling and my newly deaf ear.
And they kept moving and blocking the movie anyway.
At one point I lifted my leg up, and moved the TV with my foot. I can thank the gym for that moment of dexterity.
Then the movie was OVER.
A 1 ½ hour movie.
The credits were rolling!
How long was I going to be in that chair? The blanket was sticking to my sweat and I felt claustrophobic and trapped, I wanted to scream, but I couldn't because, well…I had FOUR LATEX CLAD HANDS IN MY MOUTH.
And then, when I was praying for escape, it was over.
“You did great!” said perky.
What does that even mean? Are there really people who don’t do great? Laying there, deaf and mute?
“You have a temporary crown” she chirped “make sure you don’t put stress on it with anything like Corn-nuts.”
What the freak?
She continued “Nothing sticky like Milk Duds, Sugar Babies or Gum.”
There goes the post trick-or-treat bag raid.
“You should be good to go then, call us if you have any questions.”
I ripped my sticky skin off of the naugahyde chair, and made my way to the front of the office.
Where the cookies are!
Cookies I couldn't eat.
And I stood there all numb and drooled all over my super! awesome! shoes! while I made my next appointment.
I was numb until about nine, and then the pain hit.
Conveniently the pain hit while I was in Satan’s Warehouse, getting last minute Halloween costumes for the “very well behaved” kids. Kids who unbeknownst to me until TONIGHT lost our costume bag because they wanted to put on a play with them in July.
So don’t judge too harshly the costumes of the Wadley kids this year.